Moments of madness and sadeness(and peace too)

Its night. I am on the terrace, waiting for Nikhil. Our meeting is late by almost 2 hours, and on top of that, the sms meant for him went to someone else whom I have recently hurt a lot. Yeah, she was my only good friend who used to enquire – ‘Howz you’, no one, even my so called best buddies never asked me so sweetly of how am I? No one cared. I mean why would anyone bother?? My image in front of them is that of a warrior, every move is a war, every step is a step taken in battlefield, no place for emotions. Warriors are not meant to be asked ‘Howz you’, its assumed that they are fine. Why emotions? The only emotions that were known were Rage, and madness fueled by arrogance and ego, an ego I dont remember the time I carried first. Why do I have that image? Why am I attracted towards pain? Why do I have so much ego and arrogance that not only hurts me but also the people who are around me. Why? No one bothers to know this, but I am going to put it in public, I am suffering it for past 3 days, and its too much for me. The guilt is killing me. Its not the first time, but then who says that sufferings are easy? Sufferings are sufferings, everytime we suffer, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Why did I make a hell of my only good relations? Was I proud? Was I vain? Was I mad? I dont know, but definately I am sade.

Coming back to the meeting. Nikhil and I met after almost 2 months. Strange thing. Two brothers living in a same place chat over Instant Messenger, instead of offline meetings. Ridiculous or inevitable? Is it overuse of technology or height of geekiness?? Whatever…

I told him for my problems. His solutions are always working. I trust him for almost anything. He said – ‘Brother, why did you suffer?’, I said ‘I dont know’, pat came the reply – ‘Coz you are new to it’, I said ‘But she didnt feel anything about it’ He responded – ‘ Reason is that – its not new for her’ Boy, I wonder from where my brother gets these answers? He is genius for sure. He makes a good software engineer, ruthless at times, but very practical and to the point. Not unlike me, an emotional fool, too vulnerable to get hurt in this hard world. Is this the reason why I wear a mask of a Warrior? I dont know.

We discussed many things- Current trends in industry, the upcoming standards, the bugs, the errors, the childhood memories, esp the one of playing hockey and football, had a good laugh at it remembering our innocent days.It was an innocent world far far away from tangents of todays technology.Candy tasted like Candy, sugar was sweet, TV was cartoons and joy was joy, no adultrations. Mom says I am still that innocent child trying to find his lost toys in a huge world. Lost toys? Will ever I get to regain my lost toys?

BTW, a sms seeking her apology has gone unanswered. I know it reached her,but currently she is too hurt to respond. I will wait. Time can heal every wound. Hate can be pacified. Desires can be overcome, only Time knows how and when…

To be continued…