Random Mumblings after a sleepless night

I am staring at my Mug right now. I dont know what I am feeling, but its sure that its not a feel good thing. Looking at myself, I wonder – What makes me suffer so much? What makes me behave crazy at times? How come my instincts lie to me at times? Why do my trusted tricks fail at the worst moments? Why do I get same thoughts after spending a complete 10 hours sleepless night?

Wish I could scream and let the whole world know I am unhappy, I wish I could cry and announce my sadeness, at least let those emotions flow though my tears, but nothing happens. I am just looking at myself and thinking – From where do these emotions come? Why is my face emotionless? Where are my emotions? What happened to them? Have I lost my emotions due to these gadgets((mobil, wifi, broadband, satellite tv, internet, blogs, networks) around me? This 24 hours connected craze has drained me completely..on top of that, inspite surrounded by technology, people, I am lonely…as lonely as a single cloud on a bright sunny day. At least that cloud looks beautiful on a blue background, me me is in blues, in gloom. Still no emotions in sight..has the mirror lost his charm…or is he showing me a fadeout picture of my everlasting cast…Love is phasing…Love is moving to the rhythm of her sight…I get closer, to the crossing point of light…

I dont remember that I was awake or in half sleep, but I do remember a bright light when my eyes closed. A bright light. Reminding of fire..fire like that of desires…Desires never burn, Desires never end, Desires are never over..and surprisingly, Karma spares no one..All night I wished there could be darkness, a place I could hide, but this light kept on chasing me. Is this what people call enlightment?? And why do people get en lighted only when their heart is broken? Is my heart really broken? Is it my figment of imagination?? I know that this world is a cruel place, no importance to emotions, especially for some stupid one called as attraction, love, whatever..But then I see people around me in love, where am I in there?

I need to take a break. I wish to loose my senses for space and time…And I will…..

At the same time, its wrong to long for a thing that never belonged to you, no one gave me the right to peek in their private life. I am not on the right track, need to return on my rivers of beliefs…the original me. The strong Harshad Joshi. The one who was before knowing all this. The one who stood by his principals. The one who fought against all evils. The one who was firm on his grounds. The one who never compromised. The first one to fight and the last one to quit. Thats me. Thats me. I want my glory back. O Mohiniraj, give me my strenght…