1 year

It began last year..

13 June 2008.

1 year exactly…So many things there I dont want to remember.

It ended..it had to..either this way or that..I am relieved it did..not the way I wanted, but still….Its over…forever..

The Ego and the flames

Ego is bad. Very bad. And when you find someone more egoistic then you, then its extremely hard to describe how badly it hurts. What exactly hurts is not known, but somewhere within, deep inside there is pain..lot of pain..words can describe it…but its real and it exists.

I found  a new way to get over pain.

1. I searched for all her conversations from the server. All the dialogs were intact on Gtalk, Gmail and Open Server.

2. Brought a bundle of executive bond papers, the most expensive ones.

3. Opened every conversation I had with her.

4. Print was the command.

5. Printing continued till the entire executive bond paper bundle became empty.

6. Gathered all of them, and arranged them properly.

7. Went on the terrace. Sprinkled some kerosene on it. 1 match stick was enough..

8. As I watched the flames consuming the conversations I had with her, within my true self, something was feeling to be at peace. I think it was ego, maybe..

9. Threw the matchbox in too…emptied the whole kerosene bottle..the eager flames were hungry for more..

10. Felt much better. It was all over for me…One relation ended. I finally was at peace..The rage seemed pacified…

I hope things will be normal now. Slowly, but surely, I will be back. I am not a slave of my ego, but I cant promise anything if it gets hurt.

Sonali Kulkarni – the new face in Indian modelling field

I saw her first at Zee Marathi Awards 2008. I searched Google/Yahoo/Flickr, but all that I got was Sonali Kulkarni, the arts film actress. Finally, after much search and much wait, I got hold of her pic. Next time someone searches for Sonali Kulkarni images, this picture should be displayed in the results. Lets see…Its good to know that she hails from Pune.Umm…thats cool.

Hey Sonali, you rock. I wish you good luck for the future.

The New Age dilemma

• S: (n) dilemma, quandary (state of uncertainty or perplexity especially as requiring a choice between equally unfavorable options)

I have discovered a new ego bruising experience. If you are a single individual, and having lot of virtual girl friends on social networking tools like Orkut, then you might have noticed that whenever the girls status changes to ‘commited’ there is something, a sort of silent tiing that goes across the mind..It isent exactly pain or unhappiness, its something mix of surprise, shock, bruised ego and just like that…

No actual reason why this happens, but fair enough, so many times I have preached to people – Digital Social Networks esp Orkut are a fun, playway mirror of our daily lives, but the real problem arises when we start relating those tools with our real life and begin attaching our emotions and expectations to our virtual meetings. A timepass turns trouble for some. Should Orkut/Facebook/Myspace be avoided? Or is it the beginning of a new age desperation? Boy…this things tough to comprehend…Web 2.0 has binded people togather on a common platform but no ones ever thinking of the trouble that is following us..Wake up…Welcome to the new age dilemma.

मन उधाण वार्‍याचे

मायेच्या हळव्या स्पर्शाने खुलते,नात्यांच्या बंधात धुंद मोहरते..
मन उधाण वार्‍याचे गुंज पावसाचे,का होते बेभान कसे गहिवरते…
मन उधाण वार्‍याचे …

आकाशी स्वप्नांच्या हरपुन पान शिरते,
हुरहुरत्या सांजेला कधी एकटेच झुलते,
सावरते बावरते झडते अडखळते का पडते..
कधी आशेच्या हिंदोळ्यावर मन हे वेडे झुलते..
मन तरंग होउन पाण्यावरती फ़िरते..
अन क्षणात फिरूनी अभाळाला भीडते..
मन उधाण वार्‍याचे…

रुणझुणते गुणगुणते कधी गुंतते हरवते..
कधी गहिऱ्या डोळ्यांच्या डोहात पार बुडते..
तळमळते सारखे नकळत का भरकटते..
कधी मोहच्या चार क्षणांना मन हे वेडे भुलते..
जाणते जरी हे पुन्हा पुन्हा क चुकते..
भाबडे तरी भासांच्या मागुन पळते..
मायेच्या हळव्या स्पर्शाने खुलते,नात्यांच्या बंधात धुंद मोहरते..
मन उधाण वार्‍याचे गुंज पावसाचे,का होते बेभान कसे गहिवरते…
मन उधाण वार्‍याचे …

आकाशी स्वप्नांच्या हरपुन पान शिरते,
हुरहुरत्या सांजेला कधी एकटेच झुलते,
सावरते बावरते झडते अडखळते का पडते..
कधी आशेच्या हिंदोळ्यावर मन हे वेडे झुलते..
मन तरंग होउन पाण्यावरती फ़िरते..

Everlasting Love

You are my everlasting
You are my everlasting love

Hearts go astray
Leaving hurt when they go
You went away just when I needed you so
Finding your way
You come back on to me
Im gonna stay loving you endlessly

Open up your eyes
Then you realize
Here I stand with my
Everlasting love
Need you by my side
Theres no need to hide
Never be denied
Everlasting love
From the very start
Open up your heart
Be a lasting part of
Everlasting love

You are my everlasting
You are my everlasting love

Look in my eyes
See my love burning strong
No more goodbyes
In your arms I belong
Our time has come
All my dreams have come true
Two hearts as one
Loving me loving you.

Open up your eyes
Then you realize
Here I stand with my
Everlasting love
Need you by my side
Theres no need to hide
Never be denied
Everlasting love
From the very start
Open up your heart
Be a lasting part of
Everlasting love

Heres the link to the song, hear it online.

पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, मन पागोळ्यांगत झाले...
क्षितीजाच्या वाटेवरती पाण्यावर रांगत गेले.
थेंबांना सावरलेल्या त्या गवतांच्या काडांचा...
पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, मी भिजलेल्या झाडांचा
पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, मन थेंबांचे गारांचे..
आईस चकवूनी आल्या त्या डबक्यांतील पोरांचे !
मोडून मनाची दारे, येवुली पाऊल भरती..
पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, या ओल्या रस्त्यावरती..
पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, मी चंद्रचिंब भिजलेला
विझवून चांदण्या सार्‍या, विझलेला शांत निजलेला
पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, मन भिरभीरता पारवा
पाऊस पडून गेल्यावर, मन गारठता....गारवा...

गार वारा हा भरारा, नभं टिपूस टिपूस

रानी वनी, पानोपानी, मन पाऊस पाऊस

माती खाली खोल खोल, ओल मातीच्या मनास

मातीवर थरथरे, ओला सुवास सुवास

पावसाळी पायवाटा…जरा उदास उदास…

दाही दिशांत पाखरे, जणू आभास आभास…

रान मोकळे मोकळे, बघे भारुन नभास

त्याचा हिरवा हिरवा….आज प्रवास प्रवास…

I say you goodbye

When you departed…
It was only a day.
Now it’s some weeks.
Soon it will be years.
It’s so hard to say good-bye.
Nevertheless, goodbye.

The waves are calm already,
It echoes in our hearts.
There is so much to tell,

There is so much to share like we used to,

But where are you to listen? gone
Still I say goodbye

The memory torments,
Memories of the good, the bad and the ugly times,
Of the happy sad and bittersweet experiences we shared.
In trying to be brave, I say goodbye,

goodbye forever
Though in tears,

because, in the end, I loved you

शब्द ही निशब्दः झाला, पाहून तुझ्या लेखणीला, गहिवरलेल्या ओळीनीही अखेर घेतला स्वल्पविराम आधाराला!!

You are my talisman, I love you forever.

Enlightment,a new hope

मी आसाच आहे……
धर्मासाठी झुंजावे…
झुंजोनी अवाघ्यांसी मारावे…
मारिता मारिता घ्यावे राज्य आपुले…
देव मस्तकी धरावा,
अवघा हल्लकल्लोळ करावा..

Men are haunted by the Future. Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?

I call myself a Peaceful Warrior… because the battles I fight are on the inside..

All Karmas proceed with the force to either remove pain or gain pleasure
Experiencing pleasure and pain, we roam the streets of Samsara

Where there is Birth, there will be certain pain
There is certain Death, and nothing to gain

Not knowing light from darkness we roam the streets of misery
In beauty there is ugliness
In ugliness I see beauty too
What a repulsive body that I have which oozes grime and filth
These carnal desires do I find unfulfilling

Where there is Birth, there will be certain pain
There is certain Death, and nothing to gain

Sadashiva Samarambham Shankaracharya Madhyamam
Asmadacharya Paryantam Vande Guru Paramparam

सदाशिवा समारंभम् शंकराचार्य माध्यमं
आसमादचर्यां पारयनतम् वन्दे गुरू परंपरामं

Finally the Truth is seen
Unknowable once to me but now known to me
What an error it is to take myself to be what I am not

No words can reveal me
Yet words alone set me free
The beatitude revealed through desciplic succession

No delusion for me
I am the ever free
No illusion for me
I am the ever free

Finally, the desires are Ash, I smear those ashes on my forehead and I free myself. Bhasma on my body..Bhasma on my soul..I am liberated….the Pain turns to Love….a new hope..Maya reveals her true form…

Maya is inevitable…

I submit myself to Maya..

Maya has set me free…

The revelations are known…

May there be peace..

तू आकाश दिलेस मला
मनमुक्त उडण्यासाठी
आणिक एक घर दिलेस
थकून कुशीत शिरण्यासाठी

आता थोडे थोडे सगळ्यांना
आकाश वाटत फिरतोय
ज्यांना घर नाही त्यांना
घर देण्याचे स्वप्न बघतोय

घरी वाट पाहतय कोणी
तू असा दिला विश्वास
मी फिरतोय खिन्न दिव्यात
भरत अता ज्योतींचे श्वास

You were the one I was dreaming all my life..You were my rain, you were the Sun, I needed both, because I needed you..Words are poor substitutes for feelings, specifically those feelings which are intense, at the same time too complex…But now what remains is the Ashes…The Ashes of Desires…The word cruel is too overused, how can people be so cruel? Why? What makes them behave so brutally? Am I always wrong in learning people? How can it be? She was so beautiful…I remember..it was cold November..leaves were falling..life was a dream…Today my dreams are lost, but I thank God for the little chance he gave me to have those wonderful experiences. Thank You God, I used to see you through her. Bless her.

Poem is stolen from here.

Dedicated to my lost love – Honey, I loved you immensely

Every time u call i freeze
When your close to me i feel a chilly breeze
I know something is not right
Could u b the one making me feel so tight

I didn’t use to like u
But now could it b true..
Am i falling in love with u?

So innocent, so sweet and surreal
Casting a swirling aura around us
Turquoise eyes drowning and drenched
Within the angelic love song

The hearts had met to one mystic soul
Wanted to feel this forever and ever
Never to cease and fade, never to wane
My love I always felt , would always
Last till the end of the time.

I agree that this short peom isent mine, I take no credits for it. I dont know who’s written it, but what matters is that its an apt example of whats going through my mind..Normally I dont speak mushy, but now I am letting it out in public.

Honey, listen to me, you may never know or understand  it, but if you  read this, I confess that I loved you more then anything else. True we may never meet, but if I could show you what true love was, then its this….My words are turning empty, but the feelings arent…Dear God, if you get time from you daily chores, can you please listen up a prayer I sent for her? Keep her happy. Just keep her happy, I know what pain is like, but I wish she remains happy. She retaught me the purpose of life.Those beautiful moments she passed with me make me feel heaven. I have no complaints with what happened, nor I care a damn about whats gonna take place, but the fact is, I am in deep love, I am rediscovering myself in a form previously unknown to me..

Gosh, these feelings….let the rain come down and wash away my tears, let it shatter the walls and drown my fears..I feel as if I had been kissed by an angel of Love..A new day …has come…..

To all those boozing hounds and enemies of Love and haters of God, non believers in Love – This post is not meant for you. Not at all for you. If you are the pathetic and immature souls whose concepts are fake as that of Maya, get a life..shoo away, you get it, just fly away..hide yourself into deepest dark oceans or infinite space..Go….!!!!

Disclaimer While the people I write about are real, the experiences I post here may or may not be real and related to people I know. Its just my thoughts I have spoken to myself. If anyone of you finds a co-incidence, then rejoice…maybe I have taken some inspiration from you..And honestly, I do not hate anyone in life, even if you have managed to break my heart, you know that I am a brave soul Maybe 10 years from now I look back and say – O boy, I was so mad, crazy at times, I dont know. We are all strong and weak at times. So dont mind anything, just read, enjoy and move on with life

Good Grief

This heartbreak hangover has continued for fairly long time, I mean its more then a week I havent been able to pick my spirits up. In one point of view, everything appears as a dead end, especially in this fast globalized ultramodern age, with so much technology and gadgets around, who would bother to wait and listen? Its such a fast paced world. Friendship made and broken in seconds, split seconds without batting an eyelid, On the other hand, the mind, the frenziness of emotions and feelings tell an otherwise story. Whom to really care for? Inspite of technology, the communication and understanding gap still prevails between people. This comes to notice specifically when one apologizes to a girl by making use of email/sms/chat combo. Even a guy advised me to meet her and sort it out. Boy, I had that courage and might, then probably I wouldent even have these bad feelings get into my way. This is Karma, we attach our emotions with so many people really without knowing the consequence of what will happen in future. Some blokes I know are pretty calculated individuals, they do not allow emotions to get in their way, call it a professional approach of sort.

This incident taught me many things.

1. No matter how much rich your dad is, a gurl will first look at you and your capabilities. Atleast the one who analyses you for a long time dosent get impressed by the prizes you won, she looks at the job and the yearly package. No other impression ever works..

2. Surrounded by technology, we might get a feel of being a technocrat or whatever, but primitive feelings like emotions, rage, jealousy still exist. By no means we can avoid it. The forms and definations of ego might have changed, but it still continues to hurt as hell.

3. Love hurts. In every age Love hurts. It has hurted me a lot. I dont know if I am mature enough to understand its true meaning, but the seen consequence makes me wonder – I am freaky enough to be loved?I am an equally loved and hated guy, I remember most of those occasions when I was hated..

Gosh darn those status lines on my Gtalk – Love and Hate are one and all, sacrifice soon turns to revenge..

A girl may not find these lines romantic enough, especially when shes commited to someone else. She will take it as an ominous sign of flirting, and bang, thats the end of all relations..no amount of apologies work, meeting is impossible, no truce…no peace, direct attack…what else??

4. If you have been hurt before in relations, its wisdom to avoid complications in first place itself. If any jilted lover is reading this, I would advise – Avoid relations that do not exist. Example – A fragile relation that occured during a meeting over in social networking tools like MySpace, Orkut, FaceBook etc. These relations are never serious, they do not have any name, Modern pundits call it cyber relations, I dont have any good name for it. I mean its crazy concept to even think of attaching a name and emotions to a thing that exists in electronic world. Its true that sentimental fools like me are fond of attaching their feelings to the most ridiculous and insignificant things that exist in this world, its difficult at times. Here, every occasional hi, hello is a symbol of friendship, and every relation is apparantly a permanant one. Madness in all respect….I am a mad person who has got a provan track record of being in madly with love with girls I know I would never get to see, to touch, to talk and so on…This is my flaw, and I seriously need to get over it. My ex girl friend said that she avoided me because I did not had a ‘pure’ friendship with her. If I know that saying hello to her in wee hours of morning can spell as disaster I am suffering from, I would have avoided it. I am going to avoid it all togather throughout my life. Never send a girl an sms that can spoil your party. Controversies are never comfortable…

5. Even if sacrifice may turn to revenge, you may not see the face who would say ‘I love you, I will kill you, but I will love you forever’ (Sobs…Sobs…..Tears…Sniff) I didnt Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…….

I will update this if my girl replies back to me, else think this as the end of this post (and my spoilt relation as well ) Hey Girl, dont mind, I will still continue loving you..Pure love knows no limits      (Sic..Snifff…)

Moments of madness and sadeness(and peace too)

Its night. I am on the terrace, waiting for Nikhil. Our meeting is late by almost 2 hours, and on top of that, the sms meant for him went to someone else whom I have recently hurt a lot. Yeah, she was my only good friend who used to enquire – ‘Howz you’, no one, even my so called best buddies never asked me so sweetly of how am I? No one cared. I mean why would anyone bother?? My image in front of them is that of a warrior, every move is a war, every step is a step taken in battlefield, no place for emotions. Warriors are not meant to be asked ‘Howz you’, its assumed that they are fine. Why emotions? The only emotions that were known were Rage, and madness fueled by arrogance and ego, an ego I dont remember the time I carried first. Why do I have that image? Why am I attracted towards pain? Why do I have so much ego and arrogance that not only hurts me but also the people who are around me. Why? No one bothers to know this, but I am going to put it in public, I am suffering it for past 3 days, and its too much for me. The guilt is killing me. Its not the first time, but then who says that sufferings are easy? Sufferings are sufferings, everytime we suffer, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Why did I make a hell of my only good relations? Was I proud? Was I vain? Was I mad? I dont know, but definately I am sade.

Coming back to the meeting. Nikhil and I met after almost 2 months. Strange thing. Two brothers living in a same place chat over Instant Messenger, instead of offline meetings. Ridiculous or inevitable? Is it overuse of technology or height of geekiness?? Whatever…

I told him for my problems. His solutions are always working. I trust him for almost anything. He said – ‘Brother, why did you suffer?’, I said ‘I dont know’, pat came the reply – ‘Coz you are new to it’, I said ‘But she didnt feel anything about it’ He responded – ‘ Reason is that – its not new for her’ Boy, I wonder from where my brother gets these answers? He is genius for sure. He makes a good software engineer, ruthless at times, but very practical and to the point. Not unlike me, an emotional fool, too vulnerable to get hurt in this hard world. Is this the reason why I wear a mask of a Warrior? I dont know.

We discussed many things- Current trends in industry, the upcoming standards, the bugs, the errors, the childhood memories, esp the one of playing hockey and football, had a good laugh at it remembering our innocent days.It was an innocent world far far away from tangents of todays technology.Candy tasted like Candy, sugar was sweet, TV was cartoons and joy was joy, no adultrations. Mom says I am still that innocent child trying to find his lost toys in a huge world. Lost toys? Will ever I get to regain my lost toys?

BTW, a sms seeking her apology has gone unanswered. I know it reached her,but currently she is too hurt to respond. I will wait. Time can heal every wound. Hate can be pacified. Desires can be overcome, only Time knows how and when…

To be continued…

Illusion – आभास

आभास हा….. छळतो तुला…छळतो मला…!!

Today is the second anniversary day when she met me on orkut, and sadely, today marks the first day of our official breakup.. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………!!!!

(Someone put off my flames……I am burning….)

Why! …

I was childish and unfair
To you, my only friend
I regret, but now it’s too late

I can’t show you anymore
The things I’ve learned from you
Cause life just took you away

And I’m asking why! …
And I’m asking why! …
Nobody gives an answer
I’m just asking why

But someday we’ll meet again
And I’ll ask you

And I’ll ask you why! …
Why it has to be like this
I’m asking you why
Please give me an answer

Many years and stupid fights
Till we accept to see
How it was and it’ll always be

Why it has to be like this
Why we don’t realize
Why we’re too blind to see the one
Who’s always on our side

And I’m asking why! …
And I’m asking why! …
Nobody gives an answer
I’m just asking why

Just tell me why! …
Why it has to be like this
That the good ones disappear
I’m asking you why

And I’m asking why! …
And I’m asking why! …
Nobody gives an answer
I’m just asking why

And I’m asking why! …

Random Mumblings after a sleepless night

I am staring at my Mug right now. I dont know what I am feeling, but its sure that its not a feel good thing. Looking at myself, I wonder – What makes me suffer so much? What makes me behave crazy at times? How come my instincts lie to me at times? Why do my trusted tricks fail at the worst moments? Why do I get same thoughts after spending a complete 10 hours sleepless night?

Wish I could scream and let the whole world know I am unhappy, I wish I could cry and announce my sadeness, at least let those emotions flow though my tears, but nothing happens. I am just looking at myself and thinking – From where do these emotions come? Why is my face emotionless? Where are my emotions? What happened to them? Have I lost my emotions due to these gadgets((mobil, wifi, broadband, satellite tv, internet, blogs, networks) around me? This 24 hours connected craze has drained me completely..on top of that, inspite surrounded by technology, people, I am lonely…as lonely as a single cloud on a bright sunny day. At least that cloud looks beautiful on a blue background, me me is in blues, in gloom. Still no emotions in sight..has the mirror lost his charm…or is he showing me a fadeout picture of my everlasting cast…Love is phasing…Love is moving to the rhythm of her sight…I get closer, to the crossing point of light…

I dont remember that I was awake or in half sleep, but I do remember a bright light when my eyes closed. A bright light. Reminding of fire..fire like that of desires…Desires never burn, Desires never end, Desires are never over..and surprisingly, Karma spares no one..All night I wished there could be darkness, a place I could hide, but this light kept on chasing me. Is this what people call enlightment?? And why do people get en lighted only when their heart is broken? Is my heart really broken? Is it my figment of imagination?? I know that this world is a cruel place, no importance to emotions, especially for some stupid one called as attraction, love, whatever..But then I see people around me in love, where am I in there?

I need to take a break. I wish to loose my senses for space and time…And I will…..

At the same time, its wrong to long for a thing that never belonged to you, no one gave me the right to peek in their private life. I am not on the right track, need to return on my rivers of beliefs…the original me. The strong Harshad Joshi. The one who was before knowing all this. The one who stood by his principals. The one who fought against all evils. The one who was firm on his grounds. The one who never compromised. The first one to fight and the last one to quit. Thats me. Thats me. I want my glory back. O Mohiniraj, give me my strenght…

The 100th post

I am in love, inspite of the fact that I am not going to reach anywhere closer. Strange word this Love, one of the most primitive feelings yet the strongest one with no parallel. I know its crazy to fall in love with someone you have never seen, just occasionally heard and met only through Instant Messaging. Is this relation called cyber love? Whatever…

Even if its a cyber or virtual love, I wont deny, my feelings are as strong as ever…Love hurts, when the girl you are after seeks someone else, Love definately hurts…but falling for her is a crazy concept in all aspects, God knows why I have affinity to fall for someone elses girl….3 times it has happened. 1st time – I didnt had courage to speak up, the 2nd instance – she was married (she was my teacher..!!) and now, this 3rd time – Shes committed already, and poor me, is bruised yet again for absolutely no reasons..once again I experience the sadeness…

The only memories for a jilted cyber romancer like me is to occasionally go through the IM chat history desperately trying to capture those wonderful moments or to go through the sms she sent me…Boy, I have gone crazy, crazy as ever….

Monday, 16 Jun 08

Actually I am feeling much better now. I think a blog post helped me more then half a dozen anti depressant pills and couple of beers. So, moral of the story - The Zen Hindu Brahminism advices to write a blog each time you succeed, each time you fail, each time you are happy, each time you are sade. Posting or writting helps to unpersonify dukkha..